STEPHEN GILLIKIN

actor/writer

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How I'd be the Best Slave Owner Ever!

Posted by Stephen on April 24, 2012 at 3:00 AM


How I'd be the Best Slave Owner Ever!

by Stephen Gillikin



OMG! You Guys!!

You have got to hear this.  This week has been like totally crazies.  With school and home and everything else all lining up together, I must say it has certainly been a very fatal week. (EDITOR'S NOTE: She actually means "fateful.")

So check this out, I watched the finale of One Tree Hill and

Oh. 

My. 

Goooooodddddd.  So Sad.  Then, I'm calling my mom afterwards so we can both talk it out.  Girls have got to mourn together, right?  LOL's!

But she ends up telling me that I have a problem with not finishing things and not putting out.  (E.N.: She means not putting out her full potential.  She most certainly does "put out.")


Meanwhile in class this week, Professor Dominguez was talking about slavery. 

In America?!?

Whaaa?  I know, crazy, right?!

But the more thinking about it I did, the more I realized how I'd be like totally the best slave owner ever!

I mean, I'm a take-charge kinda girl.  My bestie Kat can tell you how when I want something a certain way, I get it!  Haha.  (E.N.: Kat loathes everything about her with her whole being, but being she is obviously the less attractive, she hangs out as "besties" in what is a terrible and psyche-destroying relationship.)


So check this out, sometimes the owners would, like, beat the slaves, but I think that's totally gross.  I mean, they're going to be all sweaty and stuff from working.  Eww.  I wouldn't want to touch some dirty slave.

It's like when Jake came over to our housing two weeks ago after his soccer game.  (E.N.:  Even though he's only been to 3 other US states and to Europe one time on a school trip, Jake calls it "futbol."  Because he is a huge douche.)

And Jake was all like, "Come on, babe."

But no.  I made him shower first and take me to Chili's.  Fried chicken fingers, y'all!  Haha! :p


I think I'd also be a really good slave owner too 'cuz I'm really good with Thomas, our special little house kitty.  (E.N.: Thomas lives in fear everyday and awaits the moment he finally has the courage to gouge our her eye, or shit on her pillow.)  But I make sure my lil' man has food and water everyday.

Oh my God, one time, Jake and some of his boys were over and they gave Thomas some Miller Lite.  Awww, poor kitty.  :(  But you know he had fun, even if he was hungover the next day.  (E.N.:  Thomas wasn't as much hungover as he was filled with rage against his captors.)


So I'd let my boyfriend get our slaves drunk too.  I mean, we all gotta have some fun right?  LOL.  LMAO.  ROTFL. LMFAO. LSGDHOTMFF.  (E.N.:  She actually didn't even as much as smile once when writing this, much less laugh.)


In the slave quarters, I'd put big TVs in them.  Daddy'll buy them 'cuz he is sort of rich.  (E.N.:  Her father works a modest wage but to appear otherwise, has accumulated crippling debt.)  And all those TVs will play ABC Family all day, so that I can keep my slaves happy.

Oh, and OMG, did you hear they're making a "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" movie?!  Can you say, "Girls' Night?!!"  Hahaha, we'll take the new, white Mustang daddy bought me.  (E.N.:  Her father will "accidentally" be fatally shot on a hunting trip in 3 years.  She will inherit all of his debt.)


I make some really good Country Time Lemonade.  It's sooo sweet.  Yum!

My slaves will have as much as they want.


I also think it'd be way cool if they had a gym they could use.  I know they'd be like working in fields all day and stuff, but this way they could work on their core too.

And order smoothies!!

A girl's gotta have some tight lookin' bods on her slaves, right?!  Haha, I'm just kidding, Jake's the only man I need, and he's got like a Michael Phelps bod.  (E.N.:  Jake has a Michael Phelps diet, but neither the body nor the exercise routine.   FURTHER NOTE:  Jake will break up with her in a year before then getting back together 5 weeks later.  They'll ultimately end 4 years after that when she realizes he's not proposing ever, he looks like he ate Michael Phelps, and his idea of Mountain Dew for breakfast is no longer cute.)

Ahh, the love of my life...


So in conclusion (E.N.:  She doesn't know yet that conclusion paragraphs don't have to start with "in coclusion."), I'd be such a great slave owner.  I'm smart, I'm inspirational, I love hip hop, and I'd probably even pay my slaves.  (E.N.:  She is obviously cloudy on the definitions of "slavery.")


Me, Kat, and Jake and all our other besties will drink some Diet Pepsi and look at the freshly worked fields from the porch.  And maybe if it doesn't work out with Jake, I'll give one of those 6-pack slaves some extra work!  Hahaha, j/k, Jake.  (E.N.:  It won't work out with Jake.  And ultimately she will get knocked up by the black boyfriend she dates during the 5 week breakup.  Her father pays for the abortion.)





Stephen Gillikin currently lives on the lower west-side of Manhattan.  His second wife, Melissa, and he run a carpet delivery company..


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